Worst Christmas Gifts Ever

At this weekend’s office Christmas party, I emerged victorious from the Dirty Santa gift exchange. My gift was stolen from me once and had to be stolen back by my sister, who came as my “date”. It was a bottle of Bacardi. Yum, my favorite.

It certainly made up for the year when I opened my gift to discover a dryer lint removal kit. Seriously? That co-worker must have conferred with my husband, Dale, for gift-giving ideas. The same husband who has gifted me with both aftershave and African Queen makeup. Or, maybe this co-worker was tipped off about a great clearance special by my stepmother, she of the profanity-laced gold necklaces. (If you haven’t read that story, it’s a must!)

I consider it a public service to share Mary’s Top 10 Worst Christmas Gifts Ever. If you see these in a store, do not–I repeat DO NOT–buy them for anyone. Unless it’s for the person who bought me that lint dryer kit, in which case, I say go for it:

1. Handerpants: That’s right–underpants you can wear on your hands.

2. The Brief Safe: In the same theme, this travel “safe” for passports and cash is designed to look like a pair of soiled underwear.

3. Razor Blade Soap: That would be a bar of clear glycerin soap with a razor blade inside of it. The soap melts down to reveal a rusty razor blade. Seriously, folks. I’m not making this up!

4. A Pro-Thumb Wrestling Ring: Because what’s better than thumb wrestling? Thumb wrestling with a giant piece of plastic on your hands!

5. Cat Butt Magnet Set: Do I need to say anything more?

6. Inflatable Fruitcake: Getting an edible one is bad enough, but now you can get one that can’t even be digested!

7. Relationships for Dummies: How do you spell D-I-V-O-R-C-E? Give this book to your spouse.

8. Bacon Scented Candles: Don’t get me wrong; I love me some bacon. But get one whiff of a foul-smelling bacon scented candle, and you won’t touch the real stuff for a month!

9. Nose-Shaped Shower Gel Dispenser: Of course, it dispenses green gel…

10. A Pet Petter: Never touch your pets again with this electric pet petter!

Okay, I confess. That last gift is a joke. It is actually just a clever prank box that you buy to conceal your real Christmas gift. Like a pair of diamond stud earrings. Right, honey?