Don’t Go Bacon My Heart

Doctors report that every slice of bacon you eat takes nine minutes off of your life. I did the calculations, and based on this information, I should have died in 1792. Let’s just say that like any normal person, I love me some bacon. I bring it home. I fry it up in a pan. And, yes, I eat that marvelous, magical food whenever I can.

But even though bacon is really close to my heart (Don’t go bacon my heart….I couldn’t if I fried….), I don’t believe bacon should be in everything. Here are a few places where bacon just doesn’t belong: perfume, candles, soda, and toothpaste for starters. And yes, they already make and sell all of these things!Christmas

Here’s another place where I really don’t need bacon – on my desk. No, not on my desk as in my BLT sandwich for lunch, but dancing on my desk. Thankfully, my competitive spirit and savvy game-playing technique meant I was NOT the Matchmaker employee who ended up with the Dancing Bacon as my Dirty Santa gift this year.

If you’re unfamiliar with Dirty Santa, you might know it by another name: White Elephant, Thieves’ Christmas, Yankee Swap, or Naughty Santa. It’s a gift exchange with an added twist of taking. We call it”dirty” or “naughty” because we get to “steal” gifts from each other in an attempt to get the best gift. It’s been a Matchmaker Logistics Christmas Party tradition for years.

The most coveted gifts at our parties usually come from the ABC store (which stands for Alcoholic Beverage Control, in case you’re not from the South). This year, the star attractions were vodka and whiskey. The worst gift? (Or the best, depending on your point of view): A stunning combo for one lucky employee’s desktop – Dancing Bacon and an I Hate Everyone I Work With coffee mug.
It may have been one of the rasher decisions the person who purchased these has ever made. (Get it – rasher?) It was a risky move, and if I were him, I think I would have saved my own bacon. (Ha! I crack me up!) You won’t see me buying a gift like that until pigs fly. Of course, if they ever do, the price of bacon will skyrocket. (I’m on a roll…I just cannot stop!)

This Christmas season, I implore you to ask yourself: why do we cook bacon and bake cookies? I know the only time I’ve ever seen a pig walk into a kitchen is when he felt like bakin’.

Happy Monday,

P.S. What about you? Do you participate in a version of Dirty Santa? What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given or received? I want to know!