In just a few days, I turn fifty. I can still remember how excited I was when I turned five. Technically, I should be ten times more excited. But at fifty, there will be no balloons, bounce houses, pony rides or Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Instead, I’ll be moving my family back into our home after several weeks of temporary apartment living during a major remodel. That’s life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There are those who deny their increasing age: “I’m not fifty. I’m just 5 perfect 10s!” or“I’m actually 32 with 18 years of experience.” Others dread the Big 5-0 because they see it as an ominous “over the hill” mile marker, the beginning of a long descent. You know the jokes: “Now that you’re fifty, you’ll acquire new skills. You’ll be able to laugh, cough, sneeze and pee all at the same time.”
But, I’m in the same camp as the French actor and singer Maurice Chevalier who said: “Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.” Sharon Greenthal wrote an article for the Huffington Post entitled How to Turn Fifty, and I couldn’t agree more.
Still, since turning fifty inevitably invites good-natured ribbing and humorous observations, I couldn’t help compiling my own top ten list. Here are my
Top Ten Ways You Know You’re Fifty:
You Know You’re Fifty When:
10. Your trick knee goes out more than you do.
9. You wonder how Mick Jagger stays so thin.
8. You hear your favorite song on the elevator.
7. You have a party and your neighbors don’t realize it.
6. Your idea of a hot time is putting a heating pad on your back.
5. ‘Staying power’ refers to remaining awake throughout the entire movie.
4. ‘Getting some action’ means all of those prunes your doctor makes you eat are doing their job.
3. You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
2. When you talk about good grass, you’re referring to the neighbors’ lawn.
1. Your idea of getting lucky is being able to find your car in Wal-Mart’s parking lot on the first try.
Don’t act your age this weekend,
~Bob
